found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
