I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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