yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
