why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
