I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
