I don't usually arrange sex via text message
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
