Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
