ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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