so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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