Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
