So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
