My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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