Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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