So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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