I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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