My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
