she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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