Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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