Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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