whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
