My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Why can't burritos get me drunk
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
