Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
