Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
