Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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