he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
