i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
