why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
this is an emotional support booty call
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
