Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
