Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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