Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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