So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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