im about as happy as oj after his trial
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
