Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
