You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Sext me about skeletons
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
