Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
