Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
