If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my sisters under your porch take her home
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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