Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
love makes seman taste better
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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