I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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