you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
