The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
