You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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