We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm passing your future prison.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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