I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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