I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just pee around me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
