Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
