I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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