Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
