Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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