Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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