I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
