1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
