he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
